Bittersweet Ray Continued

This small flower surrounded by such carnage, searching only for one more light... one more small indication that this was not all there was to be known. She wanted nothing more than to have proof of something more, and to see that she was not wrong. But left there after so many prayers and pleadings... cold and lonely nights with no response... she had no belief left that there could be more. She wanted to believe... but her heart, bruised and shivering, no longer wanted to be wrong. It was no more the sadness of seeing this, her changeless world, than it was the fear of never finding any more than what she had always found. She no longer had the will to look.

With her petals fixed and her face darkened, she refused to believe that anything could or had changed... and there she remained, weakening to the darkness, being swallowed body and soul, further and further each passing day.

There arose a flicker within her thoughts... "What may be out there? What might I see if I was to glance? Is there a chance?" And the flicker was fought...
The words were so deeply engrained, "What if there's nothing, can you stand more pain? Do you really want to open your petals again?"
Her reply for so long remained the same... "I'll stay."
The darkness had engulfed her being, and she was darkness from without to within...
Until one day, it changed. She fought the raging battle within with a fire she had not known before.
"what if there really is more? What if it's something I can create? What if my fate is truly my fate?"
And with that blazing crown of strength, she chose to awake.
----


I have tasted what more there is... and I know that there is more. I am sitting directly in this elusive "more" right now. I can see so many rays of light all around me that I never again could believe there is only darkness to surround me. But this story is not ready to be finished quite yet... It will be continued. :)

Bittersweet Ray

Once upon a time there was a beautiful flower, hidden deep inside of a giant thorned labyrinth. She so longed to feel the sunlight but her home was hidden far from any ray, save one. Set directly to her roots it was her life force through the disparate days. Many times she wondered, 'if I was to pray, would I receive a friend?'
And with that single gleaming flicker of hope she had within, she would close her petals tight and pray as loudly as she could...

"Please, please send just one more ray of light... Please! I am so alone, and it is all I need."

Now the truly peculiar thing about this little flower, surrounded by darkness with but one gleaming hint of what existed outside of this labyrinth, her home.. was she always seemed to find something to grasp on to. when there was seemingly nothing left but darkness around, she found more. But still her heart would break every night with the shimmer of moonlight on her toes... knowing she was still the only thing to be heard or seen in her world. She remained destitute.

There were many nights and many days that had passed her by, and still she remained just as she were and could not see any hope in the distance, until the darkest morning she had yet to see.

She awoke with the early frost, but did not open her petals. She didn't want to find herself alone still. She was so afraid of finding nothing again, that she couldn't bear to move. All that she was sure of now was she had lost her heart somewhere deep inside.
There she lay, in her corner for days, squeezing herself so very tightly not wanting to know if she had been forgotten again... and with each moment passing her by she prayed still, but for what, and to whom, she was no longer sure. She was utterly lost.

An incomplete tale written for a friend.

About journeys, and where you lead..

I write, I keep writing, I stop, I post... a continuous flow of heaven only knows.

Constants are not my prize
I have never known where I would be in life
others find that parallel lines
will lead them from one place to the next
but that's never something I was able to expect
I needed security more than I will admit
but for some reason it eluded me
Like a game someone far away was playing with me
with my life and my sanity and that of those who surrounded me
It's one of the main reasons they love to leave

I heard once somewhere I cannot recall
that some people enter your life
destined to leave without needing goodbyes
the enter with the sole goal of uprooting
and when what they see is not wnat they were expecting
they turn and walk and just keep on walking

I used to think that I was destined to meet
nothing but types like this
But seeing as how everyone around me
loves to leave
maybe it's been me doing the leaving
from the beginning
but unwilling to see what I was doing

I don't know where I'm going,
From today to tomorrow for me is a mystery
Do I like it this way, I can't say that I do
but I also can't say that any other way would be
any easier so I'll stay.
I'll see if it works some how, some day

Until then I just hope I make it to the finish line
before it becomes harder to finish than resign.

Perseverance

Perseverance
The only word to describe the day
One word, the curb of a thousand verbs
Simply put,

I ran far away and ended up in the same place.

No hat tricks involved,

no circles nor tracks...

I just found myself trying to get away

another way

But unable to man-up or face… what came.

It was not me who outlasted the pain

In fact, it was me that befell it.

I staggered into its arms,

coddled its teet,

Cried out its name,

As the weakness I know all too well overcame…

And they used to call me sane.

They used to call me by name

Crying out from their pain

To gain relief from their pathetic lives

Well look at me now, friends and loved ones…
Are you still running blind

All I feel I have left is to wallow or die

And this day, all this day

All I've wanted were these…

But instead, all that came was the persevering.

One more day, one more test

You will make it the best

At least until all the rest

Falls into place.....

And because of that one final thought

Here I stay.

At least till the persevering

fades away.

The Palace

I had this crazy craving out of nowhere to draw tonight. I had no clue what was going to come of it, but I thought it'd be fun. I just kind of drew line by line, rolling with whatever showed up on the paper, and I ended up making the strange, obscure building above. I found it so odd that this was what showed up, I decided to write a poem about it. P.S. ...it's a work in progress. :-P

>>The Palace<<

It stands dark and riddled,

Shadowed by shame..

Flags once so vibrant,

Now tattered and tame.

This strangely built palace

Requesting no light

To enter, and sending

Not a flicker at night.

The neighbors all pass with such

Puzzling faces..

Wondering, sometimes aloud

What this place is;

And who would reside

In such darkened despair,

Never a soul to be seen...

Anywhere.

23 windows, some flags and a stair..

Otherwise utterly lifeless and bare.

I'd ask all of you who'd choose this willingly...

What person would want a home so melancholy

But it's I who remains in this place

Only me.

I built this, my fortress of misery.

A Somber Script Embellished In Blues

I'm aware of the fact that it's extremely grim... and I don't want people's thoughts to wander into thinking that I'm suicidal at all or feel this way, because that isn't true. When I was playing the music, it just seemed to flow nicely and fit the feel and tone.
Enjoy! :-P

You were always around
But no one ever saw
The things that kept ou sound
Were all just goin away
Leaving you distraught

On the letter you left it read
I had no choice, I had to go
You all had abandoned me
And left me to die
And here I
Thought I had a family

I guess it just goes to show
Not everything you know
Is always true so
It's time to leave
This hell hole

Click Here to listen to one of a few versions of this song.

The things that truly haunt me

A poem I jotted down in a few minutes.

It's not my faults I linger on
Or things that I have seen
No longer do I hold regret
For what's been done by me
I see mistakes I've yet to make
Old habits that I cannot break
The thing that haunts me most today
Is what I've yet to be

It may sound contradicting
To hear the way I speak
Of blunders past becoming proof
Of what still makes me weak
But fear lies not in what has been
Instead in what will come of them
For having these return again
Would strike me terribly